| compelled to hide...
and yet again, i am unhappy inside.
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| this is alot more personal for me than normal
i am not who i think i am
who i thought i was
who i want to be
i am whatever you think i am
it doesnt matter what i think i am
because if i am not what i think i am outwardly
for you to notice .. then i am not that.
i try to be consistant. but my heart is just telling
me lately that i am not consistant at all.
sometimes i am
i am selfish
i am a nagging wife beyond my years
i still get depressed.
i am unkind
i am not as patient as i thought
or i guess, as i hoped.
but lately its been "most of the time i am" ..
sometimes i actually think im pretty
then i see a picture & i want to tear it apart
i feel like that is someone else
no, i feel like i am someone else looking at someone else.
20years in this skin & im still uncomfortable.
i get so mad at myself.
i dont feel like i put on a front when im on here
but all of you are just so nice to me.
so complimenting & telling me that i'm wonderful.
i almost feel hypocritical because i dont post
about my bad days.
reading back on this i see that i never seem to
be sad. never seem to have a bad day.
my life isnt perfect.
its actually been one bad day after another for a while
i just choose not to share it all.
but i want to change that.
i feel like i need to share if i want to change.
because i feel like such a horrible wife & friend these days.
Father, hold me close.
i feel like crying.
how come i am so mean to the ones i love?
Jesus, wash me clean.
i'm telling all of you this because i just need to be humbled.
in some strange way im hoping that this will help.
maybe i shouldnt post all of this.
maybe ill regret it later.
but then again, why regret honesty? |
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all we know
no one can know what goes on in the soul of an afflicted
person. no one can know what secret inner ripening can come
from suffering and sorrow. all we know is that every individual’s
life is priceless - that each is dear to God. -Christoph Probst
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| i wish i had some coffee shop to go to.
or a friend to have over to talk to.
i wish alot of things right now.
i wish i knew who still reads this.
my heart is sortof hurting.
i dont know what to do with myself. |
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back to www.xanga.com/untouchableface
i dont like this screen name..i don't think i ever really did. |
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